| One fine day a couple of years ago, I went to set up | | | | the set up fees are $150. The monthly charge is about |
| a bank account for my fine art business. I brought | | | | $25, but don't quote me because you really need to |
| three children along for the auspicious event: Joseph | | | | talk to the merchant account specialist who is not |
| (six years old), Michael (four years old) and Christopher | | | | available right now." |
| (eight months old). I thought I could just add a DBA | | | | The sugar was really starting to kick in by now and |
| (Doing Business As) to my personal account, but it | | | | Joseph and Michael had wandered out of the banker's |
| was far more complicated than that. | | | | office into the lobby. I asked if I could possibly find this |
| The options that the banker offered were | | | | information online and make my decisions from home? |
| mind-numbing: "Do you want a low-activity account, a | | | | "Unfortunately," she informed me, "we don't have that |
| high-activity account, a no fee account, a debit card, a | | | | information online, so I'll just give you the business card |
| credit card, overdraft protection, a retail merchant | | | | for our merchant account specialist and you can call |
| account, an internet merchant account or a | | | | her later in the day for the details. Or would you like |
| combination of any of the above?" | | | | me to leave a voice mail for her and she can call you |
| "Plus," she explained off-handedly, "if you do a | | | | later?" |
| merchant account, a credit card and checking account | | | | I managed to grunt approval and we started the credit |
| now, we are offering a special of half price on your | | | | card application process. Just at that moment, the |
| first box of checks." I was trying hard to concentrate | | | | banker's computer froze. Christopher was now an |
| as the baby squirmed in my lap and the boys started | | | | hour overdue for his nap, so while the banker was |
| playing hide-and-seek around the office furniture. | | | | trying to restart her computer, I moved chairs aside in |
| She continued: "If the credit card serves as your | | | | the office so that I could swing him and sing "Ride a |
| overdraft protection, then there will be a $10 charge | | | | Little Pony." Out of the corner of my eye, I could see |
| for overdrafts and you will be charged for the amount | | | | Michael starting to leap over chairs in the lobby. |
| of the overdraft at the cash advance interest rate. It's | | | | People were beginning to notice the commotion and I |
| still a good deal, though, because our overdraft fees | | | | briefly fantasized about charging admission for the |
| would be higher if you don't have the credit card for | | | | lobby sideshow. At least then I might be able to cover |
| overdraft protection. Now, if you want the merchant | | | | the set up fees for the merchant account. Another |
| account, I'm not sure if we have an additional charge | | | | banker intervened with an offer of puzzles for Michael |
| for the credit card terminal that you'll need. You'll have | | | | and Joseph. They refused. Joseph looked like he was |
| to talk to our merchant account specialist before you | | | | about to get in on the chair-leaping fun. I thought for a |
| decide. She's not in right now, though, so we can go | | | | moment that the banker with the puzzles was actually |
| ahead and set it up and then you can cancel within | | | | going to offer to pay my merchant account set-up |
| sixty days with no additional charges if you decide not | | | | fees herself just to get my children out of her lobby. |
| to have the merchant account with us. Or you can set | | | | Finally the computer came back to life. |
| up any other type of account and we can add the | | | | I can't remember the part about signing the stacks of |
| merchant services in the next seven days with no | | | | papers that were required for opening business |
| extra fees." | | | | checking accounts and overdraft protection credit |
| As my eyes began to glaze over, I realized that | | | | cards. Maybe some things are best forgotten. I do |
| Joseph and Michael had managed to eat half a jar of | | | | remember hoping that there was a newspaper |
| tootsie rolls (conveniently located on the banker's desk) | | | | somewhere that would pay me for a family humor |
| without me noticing. The meeting continued as the | | | | column. If my column actually got syndicated, some |
| sugar started to kick in. | | | | day I might be able to cover the accidental overdraft |
| "Did I mention," she asked sweetly, "that you also have | | | | charges in addition to the merchant account fees on |
| to open a savings account for your business with us in | | | | my brand new business bank account. Being able to |
| order to qualify for the merchant account without the | | | | pay for a little childcare, sans the sugar high, might not |
| set-up fees? If you don't want the package special, | | | | be a bad idea, either. |